Presidency opens tomorrow:
After about two week break Presidency opens tomorrow again for a week. How do I feel? Not happy. Wish the holidays could go on. I yearn for problem free idyllic spaces. Problem free. Problems follow me whereever I go. It is excruciating. I so wish to be happy in my work place. There is nothing I have spent so much time thinking about as my work place, my entire life. And since 2016, how I could constantly 'reinvent' myself to fit the profile of my new job: Songs, videos, what have you. Sometimes I wonder how I survive it all. I believe firmly in Karma. So my Karma is wrong somewhere, in some past life or lives and this is its expiation. Just want to be happy.
Wrestling with Time, Karma, past and present, trying to get to the root cause of everything, continually, is so exhausting. That is where NetFlix helps.
Also wonder whether I should pursue music seriously. It always seems to me, that academics, scholarhsip, writing are what i need to do. Not music. I have ardently pursued music for many years, given it up and then gone back to it again. Lost some edge because of that. The voice came down one scale from B Flat to A. So the voice or the body answers back.
There is no doubt that the high I get from scholarly work doesn't come from anything else. But music is this half sister/daughter/child that i love intensely too.
Someone had told my father many many years back, 'your daughter is a siddha kanthi--she used to sing for Bijoykrishna Goswami.'
Sometimes I remember this and it gives me happiness. Only for a very brief while.
After about two week break Presidency opens tomorrow again for a week. How do I feel? Not happy. Wish the holidays could go on. I yearn for problem free idyllic spaces. Problem free. Problems follow me whereever I go. It is excruciating. I so wish to be happy in my work place. There is nothing I have spent so much time thinking about as my work place, my entire life. And since 2016, how I could constantly 'reinvent' myself to fit the profile of my new job: Songs, videos, what have you. Sometimes I wonder how I survive it all. I believe firmly in Karma. So my Karma is wrong somewhere, in some past life or lives and this is its expiation. Just want to be happy.
Wrestling with Time, Karma, past and present, trying to get to the root cause of everything, continually, is so exhausting. That is where NetFlix helps.
Also wonder whether I should pursue music seriously. It always seems to me, that academics, scholarhsip, writing are what i need to do. Not music. I have ardently pursued music for many years, given it up and then gone back to it again. Lost some edge because of that. The voice came down one scale from B Flat to A. So the voice or the body answers back.
There is no doubt that the high I get from scholarly work doesn't come from anything else. But music is this half sister/daughter/child that i love intensely too.
Someone had told my father many many years back, 'your daughter is a siddha kanthi--she used to sing for Bijoykrishna Goswami.'
Sometimes I remember this and it gives me happiness. Only for a very brief while.
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