Ma's complex nature:
Today my focus has shifted. I can't remember why I wanted to speak of her complex nature, yesterday, and I can't remember what exactly I wanted to say. Of course, she is complex. So are we all. That is what makes us human. My mother was someone I adored for many years. I listened to everything she said, way past even mid adulthood. She was still trying to control me even when I was in my mid forties. I think it is from that point that a certain resentment started building up within me that has only got stronger by the day.
I feel bad about this. And writing about her is my way of redeeming part of this anger and resentment.
I am what i am today because of my mother. When I came back from America in a state of terrible shamble in March 1994, my mother really took care of me. She really did. She took on tuitions to pay for certain costs that had to be made for me. I had no money. D would only give 2000 per month, 1000 for each kid. Babu's ayah and milk cost close to 4000-5000. She did it out of complete love. There was no holding back on her part.
I have mentioned this before. My mother is capable of total sacrifice. She never asked my father for extra money because he didn't have much either for many years into their marriage. They also performed many family responsibilities. I guess because my Jethu was so much better off , Baba wanted to pay for Kaku's engineering school, but he really did not have the wherewithal to do it. He did it because his pride demanded it. I understand that. Tears come into my eyes when I think of it. I am like that myself. Lots of pride. I believe there wasn't enough money for me to have enough milk. Well, I don't mind. I fed my kids really well.
Anyway, Ma took Babu to sleep with her when he was 7.5 months old. The doctor said I needed more sleep.
I could do my Ph.D because I came back home. Because I felt free enough from domestic responsibilities to pursue my studies. My dreams. My love, my lekahpoda (studies). Out there in New Jersey, I always felt guilty taking time out from housework to study.
People don't know about my struggles. They don't know how hard I had to workto get my degrees after marriage and after childbirth and how difficult the entire process was.
Ma supported all that. She really wanted me to study. She went and got notes for me from a girl who lived in the girls' hostel at Jadavpur the day before the 7th paper for my M.A examination at Jadavpur in January 1989, when Priya was 2+. I had come down to do the exam and my brain would blank out every day after writing the third question. That day she had remonstrated with me, 'amai ektu aage keno bolle na?'. She was just about to go out to her job at Bidya Bharati School.
But she went. I did take advantage and didn't even do well in Paper VII
So capacity for great love and also the desire to control--I guess, that is the paradox of her nature and the complexity.
There is so much more to write about her life in Kolkata when she came from Shillong to study here. That is for tomorrow.
Am glad some people read my blog. I do not want to bore them with too much information about myself.
Today my focus has shifted. I can't remember why I wanted to speak of her complex nature, yesterday, and I can't remember what exactly I wanted to say. Of course, she is complex. So are we all. That is what makes us human. My mother was someone I adored for many years. I listened to everything she said, way past even mid adulthood. She was still trying to control me even when I was in my mid forties. I think it is from that point that a certain resentment started building up within me that has only got stronger by the day.
I feel bad about this. And writing about her is my way of redeeming part of this anger and resentment.
I am what i am today because of my mother. When I came back from America in a state of terrible shamble in March 1994, my mother really took care of me. She really did. She took on tuitions to pay for certain costs that had to be made for me. I had no money. D would only give 2000 per month, 1000 for each kid. Babu's ayah and milk cost close to 4000-5000. She did it out of complete love. There was no holding back on her part.
I have mentioned this before. My mother is capable of total sacrifice. She never asked my father for extra money because he didn't have much either for many years into their marriage. They also performed many family responsibilities. I guess because my Jethu was so much better off , Baba wanted to pay for Kaku's engineering school, but he really did not have the wherewithal to do it. He did it because his pride demanded it. I understand that. Tears come into my eyes when I think of it. I am like that myself. Lots of pride. I believe there wasn't enough money for me to have enough milk. Well, I don't mind. I fed my kids really well.
Anyway, Ma took Babu to sleep with her when he was 7.5 months old. The doctor said I needed more sleep.
I could do my Ph.D because I came back home. Because I felt free enough from domestic responsibilities to pursue my studies. My dreams. My love, my lekahpoda (studies). Out there in New Jersey, I always felt guilty taking time out from housework to study.
People don't know about my struggles. They don't know how hard I had to workto get my degrees after marriage and after childbirth and how difficult the entire process was.
Ma supported all that. She really wanted me to study. She went and got notes for me from a girl who lived in the girls' hostel at Jadavpur the day before the 7th paper for my M.A examination at Jadavpur in January 1989, when Priya was 2+. I had come down to do the exam and my brain would blank out every day after writing the third question. That day she had remonstrated with me, 'amai ektu aage keno bolle na?'. She was just about to go out to her job at Bidya Bharati School.
But she went. I did take advantage and didn't even do well in Paper VII
So capacity for great love and also the desire to control--I guess, that is the paradox of her nature and the complexity.
There is so much more to write about her life in Kolkata when she came from Shillong to study here. That is for tomorrow.
Am glad some people read my blog. I do not want to bore them with too much information about myself.
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